Adios, Fatty!

I know, I know, I go a month without posting then two posts in one day? Well, it happens. After a month of dealing with demons and keeping my mouth shut, I've got a lot to say. Also, I've got... news.

Today, I was looking up prices for local gym memberships and I stumbled onto the LA Fitness website (not for the first time) and I noted that they still did not have their prices listed. Unlike that one other time before, I didn't just shrug and go on. I called them and asked for the price. The woman I spoke with, Karen, told me that their usual prices range from $30-40 a month and asked me if I'd like to come in to check the place out. I could've stopped her then and said no. Instead, we arranged a time for me to meet with her tomorrow at 10 a.m. Then Karen asked if there were anyway I could make it in to speak with her TODAY as their nationwide promotion was ending and there's no way for them to extend the deals (which, at the time, I had no idea what the "deal" even was) but I agreed. I arranged to meet with her at 6:30 p.m.

I could have not gone. I could have called and cancelled. I could have driven by without stopping in. I could have gone in, looked around, and walked right out. I could have left without a membership. I could have done a lot of things, but instead... I got ready, I drove over, I went in, I talked with Karen, I toured the amazing facility, I got my questions answered, I got a membership, I received a free "goody bag" with a bunch of good stuff in it, and I have a free one-hour appointment with someone tomorrow morning at 9:30 to help me get started on the right track.

As Karen said, something I'd already told myself about 50 times before I left to go to the gym, is that GOING IN that first time is the hardest step. I went in. I did it.

I even got a GREAT deal on my intial membership: even though there's no contract and it's a month-by-month payment, there is still an initial registration fee, which varies depending upon the plan you choose to get. If you pay a higher registration fee, you get a lower monthly payment, and vice versa. I chose the middle (of three) plans, which ordinarily has a $249 registration fee with a $39.99 per month membership. As they had a promotion going I got the $249 fee WAIVED! I did have to pay for the first and last months membership, which means that I received two months of gym membership today for $85.

What's really great is they have a LAP POOL with 4 lanes in it and no children are allowed to be in the pool so I don't have to worry about interrupted swim time, and though I didn't tell Karen this, that's what all but sold me on the whole deal. Plus, even though it was quite busy given that it's their last day of the promotion and was during their "peak hours" they had PLENTY of machines available for use. Additionally, they have unlimited free classes that you can just walk in and participate in without signing up -- ever! That, considering my random work hours, is just what I need to feel like I can hop in at any time. I even got 12 2-week guest passes for people -- I just wrote down 12 names even though, at most, I'll probably only get one or two people to go with me. Oh well! 

Here's the bad news: I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to pay for it. It's about $40 a month, which I can swing with my paychecks or... by donating plasma (LOL!). If I absolutely cannot pay then I guess I won't be going, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. The thing is... I asked my mom earlier this week for gas money (she's back home in NW Ohio) and she put $100 in my account. I only spent about $50 of it (all of which hasn't gone through yet, because it takes a while for debit card transactions at gas stations to show up) so I had enough to pay the $85 at LA Fitness tonight, the problem though is that if the debit card transaction AND the gas payment go through tomorrow I'll be overdrawn by $40. To which the bank will charge me an additional $35. I have to ask my mom for $40 more, on top of the $100, until Friday (my first paycheck, hence why I've had no money to pay for gas, etc.) because if I hadn't purchased it today I would've had to pay a registration fee of $249...

I've been hounding my mom to get me a gym membership for 6 months now (well, initially I said for both of us, but she didn't seem to want to so I asked if I could) and she wouldn't have any part of it. At least, she wasn't interested until she went and signed herself up for a gym at her work that only employees can use. Thanks, a lot.

This "bad news" is more frustrating/annoying than anything because I didn't want to tell anyone (ESPECIALLY my mom) about joining a gym, but now I have to or she won't give me the $40. She might not anyway because I bought something I couldn't afford which is "irresponsible" and I owe her so much anyway. I will pay her back the $40 on Friday though, I'll have the money then... ugh. I hate feeling so dependent. This is something I wanted to do FOR ME, to take charge of my life and get on the right track, without feeling obligated to keep anyone abreast of the situation, without feeling people watch me to see how "well" I'd do and/or how hugely I failed. My mom isn't exactly the most positive support system when it comes to my body image... but I don't want to talk about that right now.

Overall, this is a GOOD moment, this is an EMPOWERING moment, this is a BATTLE WON in what has been and will be a life-long war. I want to -- and I am going to -- CELEBRATE by myself, for myself, because of what I did myself.

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"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

[Eleanor Roosevelt]

My big, fat, disgusting secret.

The reason I've been wanting a healthy relationship with food is because it is one of the most basic relationships. If I can't be healthy with food--with myself--how can I have healthy relationships with men? Doesn't seem very likely, does it? Of course, there may already be too much (irreparable?) damage done as a result of my unhealthy relationship with food. More to the point, I think my struggle(s) with food have been too well-documented by my body and such documentation is hard to erase. Ever heard the expression "Once it's on the Internet, you can never get it back"? I think the same is true for our bodies, in a sense; we can't undo the damage that's already there--it's permanent. This worries me a great deal because I think it's one of the biggest mental hurdles I've got to overcome.

Perhaps I'm "beating around the bush" too much... I guess what I'm saying all boils down to this... there are two scenarios I'm faced with:

1. Lose weight. Begin living a healthy lifestyle with nutritional foods and plenty of activities. Have a ton of excess skin, skin flab, and stretch-mark scars.
2. Stay fat. Live as I've been living, probably continue to gain weight, exercise if/when the mood strikes, continue to use food as my crutch. Have a giant stomach overhang, flabby arms, double-chin, stretchmarks (old and new), and zero flexibility to boot.

Catch the recurrence? The skin flab and stretchmarks? No matter what, I've got 'em. I'm stuck with a permanent reminder of my unhealthy weakness. I can almost, kind of, sort of, in a way, nearly deal with that, but what guy can?

My relationship with the opposite sex is screwy, at best, and I don't think "stretchmarks" will help it any. My relationship with guys can be broken up into two categories as well:

1. The very select guys who enjoy talking with me, getting to know me, and "get me" -- to some extent. These guys have zero interest in a relationship with me that stems beyond (pseudo-) friendship and they definitely have NO sexual interest in me.
2. The guys who --drunk, or possibly not-- would sleep with me. These guys want no part of a serious relationship with me, they do not want to get to know me (or have and don't like me over-much), and they really just want sex--with anyone--and they would be willing to "settle" for me: the closest available hole to drill.

Yeah. I'm obviously still a virgin because a) there aren't that many guys in groups 1 and 2. b) my standards are a tad high.

Everyone gives me flack for being an inexperienced 23-year-old virgin--especially because I'm such a horny one, LOL--but the truth is I would totally have sex with someone today if he were a good combination of 1 and 2. Someone who likes me, wants to get to know me, wants to have sex with me, and (crazily) thinks I'm attractive. ...but who is EVER going to find me attractive, particularly in the nude? It's here I refer back to "stretchmarks" and "flab." Mmm... oh, yeah, baby... so. damn. sexy.

Yep, I can already see my dream man holding his mouth shut and running to the bathroom. Score.

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Basically, to sum up, me in the nude is NOT a pretty picture -- regardless of my weight at time of said-nudity. The big "What if?" for me, because ultimately I DO want to lose the weight, is what if I lose all the weight to find out I'm still unattractive/unsexy and there's STILL no one who wants to be in a relationship with me? What if it's NOT the weight that has scared guys off -- what if it's just ME? Then what will I say? What will I use to "comfort" myself? I won't be able to say, "Well, I'm alone because I'm fat and people (GUYS) are just afraid to give me a chance, afraid to get to know the real me!" ...what then?

That would, I think, be the worst kind of revelation, the worst kind of rejection. How will I recover from that? 3000 to 1, I'd start eating myself sick to ease the loneliness, the hurt, the confusion. Eat my way back to the "me" I've grown so accustomed to sharing a disgusting body with for the past decade. I want so badly for it to not be like that...

- - - - -

This post, this whole blog, was inspired by a PostSecret I found while stumbling around on the web one day. I sat at my computer and, upon seeing the "secret," felt like someone had shot my right between the eyes (or, to be more accurate, the middle of my heart). It is as much my horrible secret as it is the secret of the submitter, but I don't want it to be my secret anymore.

 

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"My hearts at a low, I'm so much to manage; I think you should know that I've been damaged."

[TLC; "Damaged"]

I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.

Often times double-standards are equated with issues between the sexes, but I think an ever-growing double-standard in American society (perhaps elsewhere, though I cannot speak on behalf of "elsewhere") is that being being extremely overweight is much more offensive than being extremely underweight. It's not really limited to the actual weight, though, it's more the disorders that generally lead to such results. 

Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, for example, are not only much more recognized in our country as significant health problems, but there is a much greater understanding that they can be helped through the combination/integration of therapy, nutrition education, and sometimes even medication. They are not simply physical problems, they are psychological problems as well. Binge-eating disorder, or any of a variety of complications or scenarios that lead to weight gain, are scoffed at by so many people because there seems to be some underlying belief that overweight people have no self-respect, no control, and no real reason for being overweight. Is that to say that underweight people do have self-respect, control, and a real reason to be dangerously skinny? I think not.

In terms of "getting help," most overweight people are simply told to go to the gym and workout, but as I've said in previous posts, that's like looking at a person afflicted with Anorexia Nervosa and suggesting s/he "go eat something." Or, in yet another phrasing, it's akin to putting a Band-Aid over a bullet wound: if only the treatment really were so superficial and simple.

When people are recognized, or perceived as having an eating disorder that has caused them to lose a significant amount of weight, it seems more people are inclined to want to help in a positive, constructive way. When a person with Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa is partaking in destructive behavior (such as purging, refusing to eat, etc.) others jump in to help them, but when an overweight binge-eater is shoving pizzas and ice cream down her throat rude comments are made -- if anything at all. Binge-eating might just seem to be something that overweight people do, but that's not true. Not all overweight people binge-eat.

The fact is that people are overweight for a variety of reasons: lack of exercise, poor diet, health conditions, etc. Or even a combination of several factors, but not necessarily because they binge-eat and/or don't exercise; additionally, plenty of people are still clinically overweight, but they exercise a great deal. I say this to illustrate the diversity within a subculture that is more often than not boiled down to one unflattering stereotype, a stereotype that makes it incredibly challenging for people to seek out help from others or for others to feel comfortable with helping. 

Despite the growing epidemic that is obesity, people do not feel as inclined to help on a personal level. Instead, obesity and binge-eating are treated as physical results attributed to poor diet and laziness with little concern shown for the person beneath the layers of excess weight.

This is one reason I am simultaneously angry and defeated -- I want to be healthy, not necessarily "skinny,"  but how can I get there when instead of being seen as a person struggling on the inside, I'm categorized as a lazy heifer. That's incredibly unfair and hurtful; I wish someone could understand that, for me, I really don't believe the biggest issue is learning to eat healthy or making time to exercise. 

My biggest issue is how to get past all the voices in my head that tell me I don't deserve to treat my body like a temple, that I will never be beautiful enough regardless of my weight, that I am not worth all that time and effort required to be healthy. For that reason, I've got to get control of my mind before I can get control of my body, but I'm too ashamed to ask for help in that arena because a) fat girl with low self-esteem is so cliché these days and b) who can really understand the whys and hows of needing to work from the inside out? The general theory is that if I look good, I'll feel good, but that sounds more like a direct path to failure for me.

I guess I don't understand how people can look at Girl A and Girl B (pictured below), yet only be willing to take the extra time to talk to Girl A to help her appreciate herself and see how beautiful/worthwhile she is and always will be whereas Girl B just needs to go to the gym and she might be attractive or at least be skinnier. I think it's hard for people to imagine just how much shame both girls would have to overcome before getting on to a truly healthier way of living, but shame is hard to overcome alone. Trust me, I know.

Girl A:

Girl B:

After all this, my biggest question is this: why can't we all give and get a bit more compassion? I believe there are enough helping hands to help us all, it just may require that some people open their minds a bit more -- their hearts, too.

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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
[Mary Anne Radmacher]